I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
one two three fourrrrnication!
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
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