i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
