Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Vodka?
Forever.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
