Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
