to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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