theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
