um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
