so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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