have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
