you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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