areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
