Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I got chris browned last night
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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