We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
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I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
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I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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