You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
