I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
