First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
