So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
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No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
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It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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