Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
