good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
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