3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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