Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
