i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
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