I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She announced her abortion via fbk
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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