somebody snuck up and got me drunk
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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