There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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