Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
