apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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