Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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