i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I believe in your delicious
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
