I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
