Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
