We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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