I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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