I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
