So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
