Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Fuck appropriateness.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
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I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
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he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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