He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
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Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.