Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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