Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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