he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
