The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
