you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
