apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
