hell yes lets make some ravioli
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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