if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
