Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's shark week go big or go home
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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