someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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