There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
