he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
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Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
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She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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