The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
