her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
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The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
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Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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