1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just invented taco cereal.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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