Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
