Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
