drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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