I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
