why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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